It is finally here!! The day chemo is not in control.
Today is Thanksgiving Day! I am here, I am alive, I am turning the corner. I found myself wondering why I didn’t think twice about accepting the doctor’s orders that because I had HER2 positive I would concede to take the chemotherapy because my surgery went so well, and I was healed, and back on my healthy track? I could have just gone along and trusted that there would be no recurrence of the cancer in my body, I could have lived a normal life for the time it was out of my body, but, I wanted to be smart, and give myself the assurance of not coming back to this place again, one, two, five years after I get comfortable, and have to relive this cancer nightmare, that is why I chose to put myself through chemotherapy. Continue reading “Being Thankful In Little or Much”
Last Monday I went to my first chemo infusion, and I wanted to discuss the journey as it transpired. On Tues. I felt a little off all day, but around 3:40pm, things went on a course that was step by step what I was told in the materials the clinic handed me. On Monday, 4:38pm, a port was placed on my abdomen called Neurolast, you probably saw the commercials with a woman wearing it on her arm. I lay on my arms at night so I opted to use my stomach. The port is to help keep the white blood count in check. When the port is attached, if feels like the sharp sting of a rubber band pluck. The meds are dispensed 27 hours after chemo ends.
I want to thank my inspirational, faithful friend and choir member, Denny for volunteering to get me to my first infusion, today. He is such an awesome minister of God. One great and wonderful thing about Denny, is because of his prior military life, he is Always on time(that means early to the normal non military) that is something we have in common. Praise God for his patience too, because I was told I would be there for 1.5 hours, but that was just the time for one of the 4 treatments and the additional two preps that I had to be given. Treatments go slowly on the first day with wait times in between to check for adverse reactions. The two preps are steroids and Benadryl.
Friday was so much like when I started school as a young girl. I woke up anxious, and excited, and nervous about my day. Whenever I begin a new phase in life, I get that way, but now, minus the upset stomach and vomiting from my earlier years of “new beginnings”. I couldn’t wait to get on with the day. Knowing that I had mixed feelings that were weighing on me, not all of them positive, or happy. I was filled with tears, and some of them escaped my iron exterior, and then a wonderful thing happened, quite unexpected., as Alex and I arrived for the ECHO, *(echocardiogram), everything went very quickly, and we proceeded to the next appointment in Radiology. We were really early. The check in time was 11:30am, and we were there by 9:40am. We sat there for around 10 minutes, and my Alex, just made the time fly by with his humorous banter, and his wonderful calming conversation, he made me laugh, and I looked around, some of the other people were laughing as well. Then my name was called, and Alex had the mood so light and the atmosphere, so calming, it seemed that everyone was sending me good wishes as I went back for my prep. I was back in my area, for 5 hours, before the surgical procedure at 2:20pm, but the whole day was peaceful, and there was no stress, or frustration, within me. I felt like time just flowed, as I read my word, worked my word search puzzle and even took a nap. God had taken all my first day jitters away.
Knowing that tomorrow begins Phase 2 of my journey, my heart has been heavy all week, with dread, and foreboding. As God guides my steps through my appointment to get the port placement for what will be months of chemotherapy, and all that entails, it has been a ‘firing squad’, ‘cross carrying’ mentally overwhelming, slow tick tock, tick tock week, but this morning, God smoothed the wrinkles of my thoughts and reminded me that there is a blessing in this treatment. I understand this is necessary to kill any and all cancer cells that remain within us even when all focused cancer is removed. Just when you think it’s safe to go back into living.
So as I go through this next phase, I want to share with you what it is like to live through this hard challenge, because unless you are living through it, the picture is like “looking through a glass darkly”. I am walking in Psalm 139. Several verses bring peace and comfort to my soul, I live it. I am blessed by its sweet and wonderful words daily.
I am uplifted by God’s attention to me and how He continues to comfort and hold me, console me, love me, I have never known so much peace. In Thee O Lord, do I put my trust.
Leaning on a raindrop in the midst of a storm
Leaning on a raindrop in the midst of a storm
My back feels strength and comfort of its arms
As we break from the clouds and fall aimlessly from the skies
there is no fear, and no danger seen in my eyes.
We amble towards the ground, oblivious to the wind’s force,
Steady on our intended course; I know you will land calmly
without the urgency that breaks apart in pieces which cannot be restored
or put back together.
I know I am safe, so I trust you to guide us, as we go through the turmult
that from a distance appear to embrace us.
One raindrop in the midst of a many adversaries, my calming, guiding, redeeming
protector, on which I will wholely lean in the midst of all my storms.
I wrote this poem during my healing process, because as I was freefalling in my own strength and my own reserve, I was totally covered in God’s mercy and grace, and it was His power that carried me through the storm. I looked at Job in his times of tribulation when he spoke in Job 12:23. He was feeling hurt, and yet not forsaken, not abandoned, so he rationalize for a while about his path and his continued faithfulness, his trust and belief in the God who had given him so much, he said of God; “He makes the nations great, then destroys them”; because he acknowledged God’s infinite power above all his own surroundings and circumstances. Knowing God on a much greater arena than just what was happening to him. Job 13:15 “Though He slay me, I will hope in Him”. He maintained his faith, in spite of how his world around was crushed, all that he had built was taken away including his own health. His wife, and his friends were not supporting and upholding and comforting, it did not turn him away from the God whom he loved and served. In my current struggle, I have been so blessed by God, with a strong support and prayer circle, and I know He is carrying me, filling me with hope, lifting me when I feel weak, comforting me with His peace. In Job 14:7-8 and Job 14:14 7) There is hope for a tree, when it is cut down, that it will sprout again and its shoots will not fail 8) Though its roots grow old in the ground and its stump dies in dry soil 14) If a man dies, will he live again? All the days of my struggle I will wait until my change comes.
Today’s post is connected to the content of yesterday’s post, I spent my God time (you know, the hours between 3am -6am, when God awakens you each day just to spend time) with my Saviour reminding me again how “He’s Got My Life in the palm of His Hand”.
Prov. 8:12-14 12. I, wisdom, dwell with prudence, and I find, knowledge and discretion. 13. The fear of the Lord is to hate evil; Pride and arrogance and the evil way and the perverted mouth, I hate. 14. counsel is mine and sound wisdom, I am understanding, power is mine.
I will instruct you and teach you in the way which you should go; I will counsel you with My eye upon you. Psa. 32:8
I spend time in prayer each night, and early in the morning before day breaks, and while in prayer I ask God to instruct me and show where He wants me to move on His path. I used to pray, and then I would move in the direction I believed He was leading me, and I felt powerful in the movement, and was sure that He was guiding me and instructing me along the way. I walked with God.
Since my diagnosis and subsequent cancer journey, I have realized and been awakened to the wisdom that when you pray, you must wait…wait…wait on the Lord, not when you pray, get up and move in the direction of what and where you feel He is leading, or to what you know you need to have happen. He will counsel you, and He will guide you with His eye to His perfect Will. I found that regardless of how I wanted things to move, how fast I wanted to get through to the other side of being infected with something I didn’t know I had, I could not make anything different. What could I do, I had to pray, turn it over to God, and wait on the Him, and be of good courage with patience.
The Power Within
Walking with God is different for every individual that goes without saying. I watch others who walk in faith and there are times I envy the way they walk with God, their intimate connection, their self assurance. Ever notice how some Christians talk with such profound words and expressions and then there are others who just walk like they are lifted so high, then I talk to God and almost apologetically, ask why it is that I don’t come across with such spirituality? Continue reading “The Power”
How one expresses themselves displays more than what is being said, it gives insight into a deeper reveal of who that person is inside, how things affect them and how they tend to handle various aspects of what is going on around them. A remark made in humor, has hidden meanings, and one made with depth and sincerity, may get the opposite reception. “What you say and what you mean, may not come across as you wanted”, but when we have a platform to elaborate, and openly express our hearts, it takes the questions, and misunderstanding out, and all parties learn something unexpected. Continue reading “Expressing Your Views In A Positive Manner”