From the beginning I have described how chemotherapy has affected my body, my mental status, and my ability to endure dark, hard challenges one must face when put to the task. Survival was not a given, not even expected…yet in spite of all the torment, the torture, the agony…God has sustained me.
I must admit, I lost the visions of hope, and future, and everything positive was not ever present. I have been blessed for most of my life to see visions, to dream dreams, and with prophetic words, from God, yet by the time I got to chemo #3, I saw nothing, felt nothing, and dreamed nothing except my glorious journey towards heaven. It was not until this week, a good friend came and visited me, and she prayed with me, over me and we prayed together. This prayer was so different to me from any other prayer I have experienced, because she called out the attackers that had been hovering over me all my life, and since I had my surgery, they have encamped deep within my psyche, into my spirit, and all over me, but when she had me call them out, I felt, something, I can’t explain, but thank God I felt, I experienced not with “my feelings”, but with my belief, that God had touched me and bound them, and cast them out. I suddenly felt a strength, where I was so weak I could not keep my balance, it was difficult to walk short distances, and up 14 stairs to my room, I felt lighter, brighter, and a joy came into me, that lifted me from my bed.
I tried to go back and think of those people again, and to this moment, I can’t, and that dread, sadness, hurt, and bitterness, has not returned. It was a different experience. I have been feeling healthier, and stronger since Monday, when this took place. I have a hard time believing it myself, but I have tested it each day, and each day, I feel so ready to meet the day. My symptoms of chemo #5, are not affecting and attacking me as harshly since then. Yes, the diarrhea is still trying to hang on, the numbness of fingers, toes, and souls of feet are there, but slightly, that is why I am able to type today. I can taste again, since Monday, I feel hopeful, and forward thinking since Monday, and all that was making me weak, has turned to strength. This morning, as with yesterday, I see opportunities for future.
I have one more Aggressive Chemo Infusions to be administered on Feb. 25, 2019, and the oncologist stopped administering the Perjeta, which was the hard one that caused most of the death symptoms, the diarrhea, the loss of taste, and the effects that caused the most trauma, and that will not be added back until I start my next set of infusions, which should begin in March. I was also given the great news that there is NO second series of 4 more chemo infusions, there is only the maintenance which is not harsh, and will run until November, 2019 to finish the year that I have been describing throughout my blogging. Once I get through #6, I can say, I am in recovery, and I will be able to start to live, I can drive myself to appointment, go out and interact and I can move about without always being cautious and pre-meditated before I plan to do anything.
God had to intervene and change so many things to get me here, and to move me to where I am heading, and I Praise God for stepping before the medical team who could only see me through medical eyes. I am a person, living and breathing, with heart and soul and people who care how I am and how I am treated, but getting past just being a statistic is what a patient has to overcome. As a patient, we have to be strong enough to overcome the obstacles, even if that includes your medical team. It does not mean run here and there to find compassion, it means surrounding yourself with people who can lift and carry the heavy load of “lack of compassion”, “lack of understanding”, “withheld knowledge”, and “impatient medical staff”, “unexplained and uncertain diagnoses”, and especially “all the surprises that hit you when you get to the appointment”. Some many times, things were not expressed, or unfolded before I got to that day’s appointment, that could have been, but once I got to the appointment, information was dropped on me, and for those times, you need support people with you, even when you don’t want others involved in your “private affairs”. Going through this year, I learned, privacy is not all it is cracked up to be, you need an advocate who can hear what you don’t hear, and understand what is being said to help you when the shock and overwhelming blows calm down. I tried to go alone, record on my phone some of what was said, but on the times when I didn’t take notes, record, that was the time when I was blindsided, and the impatience of the doctors, left me feeling lost, alone and unlearned. Protect yourself, don’t be brave all the time.
On Feb. 14, 2018, I went to the ED at Sentara, with a very debilitating stomach pain, and on Feb. 16, 2018, at 6:40pm, “out of the Blue”, my Momma passed away. The following week, I went in for a CT to follow up on the stomach pain, and on Feb. 21, 2018, I started down this road which became a year long Cancer Journey. One year ago, my life changed forever, I am thankful for all the love and support, and gifts, and prayers, and mostly that God taught me to lean totally on Him. I have not had one moment where I was in charge since Feb. 14, 2018, and I don’t regret turning my will over to my God to carry me through this at all. I would be running around like a headless chicken, if I had NO Savior, No Faith, No Power on High, who took control of this situation. See, I had no symptoms, no knowledge, no idea that I had any cancer, just as I did not see that my Momma was going to pass away that Friday evening.
Let Jesus take control of your journey, it is so much easier, He has not missed any step to get me here, and there has been Not one thing that I needed, that the Lord has not provided for throughout this year, even if it affected you, even if you had to be called upon to lend your love and your heart, your time or your giving to me, it was all because God brought you to me, and through you we have been blessed and touched by one another in some way. God uses whomever He wills, and I am thankful to you for allowing Him to make you a part of this journey with me.
This journey is not over, but as we finish what has been started, I know we will all be blessed on the other side of what began as one of the hardest, worse, most miserable trials and on the other side we will come forth as “pure Gold”.
If you need to know the effects of chemo #5, please reach out to me and I will be happy to explain, describe, and clarify any of what I have endured.
Praise God For All That I Have Endured, and OVERCOME!