On Monday, Dec. 24, 2018, I had an appointment with the PA to my Oncologist, for consultation. It was the holiday, and I was able to have Christmas without being bedridden. The Chemo Infusion team only worked half a day, so patients were able to wait for chemo until the day after the blessed holiday.On Wed. Dec. 26, 2018, I had my third chemo infusion. Hard to believe, I have had three aggressive treatments that ripped through my body and left it in waste and ruin. Each infusion is different, and the side effects are distinctive to each one. I look for each to be the same, to look out for the same effects, but, they come with their own devastating effects. This time, I did not have the blood clots in the nose, swallow blood throughout the night, nor did I have the sore throat, or the daggers and knives, attacking my stomach in the same way as before. On this journey, there was numbness in fingers and toes, sore gums, joints, and muscles, but the worse was in the tastebuds, and the stomach was always bloated as if there was a balloon inflated as tight as it can get, and then slowly release it. I have had non stop diarrhea from day one, until this past Sat. Jan. 5, in the evening. I went in on last Monday, Dec. 31, 2018 to the Infusion clinic to get IV, which is to keep me hydrated. On Tues. Jan. 1, 2019, until Sat. Jan. 5th, I had non stop liquid running diarrhea, all day and all through the night. I was sore and raw from the constant going, and urine flows at a slow stream that I hardly know I am going, but I know from the urge that I either have to go, or I am in the process of releasing, and the burn while I urinate and after is so painful. I have been so weak, everyday, that when I attempt to go out to handle any business, I come back and am hot and clammy, and even blacked out twice. I am left with no energy on a daily basis. I cannot even imagine planning what the next day will bring, as I am only able to focus on getting through this day. I focus on one task, and work through it with God’s help, as I do not plan, I wait. God is fully in charge, and as He carries me through, I make it. I wake up, we spend hours into the morning, till daylight, and then I move. I am so blessed that God leads me, as I would not be where I am without Him.
Next Monday, Jan. 14, 2019, I go for Chemo Infusion #4. I am constantly being told that I’m halfway through, but in reality, I am only halfway through the first series of 6, immediately behind that, without a break, is the second series, of 4. I am nowhere near the middle, or the end, and my body is never able to rejuvenate, or regain strength, it just gets weaker, and weaker. I appreciate the upbeat, and positive, but I know how I feel, physically, and each day, I count as a blessing. One way or the other, there will be a healing, and I will be with the Lord, on this side, or blessed to be on the other. It took a while to sit down to record this stage, but I did not want to move forward without this being part of the journey. It has been a hard journey, I do no longer see myself here after chemo, and I don’t even dream of that anymore. I accept that with the way my body is handling the changes, and the breakdown, I may go to lay day one day, and then I will not be any longer. That is why I wanted to set my affairs in order, that is the reason why GoFundMe.com was started, because I was not able to reason with the doctors in charge to allow me to get my insurance. I had one more doctor agree that I may not survive this journey, but all that means nothing. I had to see my PCP, on Jan. 31, 2018, and of course, she was not there, but the PA, was in agreement with the prognosis, and she and I discussed Pallative Care, and I agreed to consult with them on. I have that appointment on Jan. 9, 2019, and they may be able to help me with some eating issues, and with the insurance issue, we will see. Either way, regarding the insurance, the money will come, and the things that I am trying to handle, should get taken care of if my sons do what must be done. That is in God’s hands to move and control. I am just here, just a vessel, and I wait on Him to guide me and my every move.
Be Blessed. Until next time.